Advice LetterIf you ever want life advice, don’t go to The Nation. Earlier this month, in a bit of comedy gold that can only truly be appreciated with the Benny Hilltheme music playing in the background, The Nation published the most absurd advice column in human history. It came from a self-proclaimed “Marxist-Feminist Slut.” What exactly was MFS’s big problem? Let’s let her explain: I’m a 32-year-old woman who would like to have kids and a life partner in the not-so-distant future. And lucky me! I’ve recently started dating an excellent candidate. But I can’t even pretend to think it’s possible (or desirable) to have sex with just one person for the rest of my life or even, frankly, for a few years. This would seem to be a serious limitation. Is MFS a nymphomaniac? What exactly is the tragic disorder from which she suffers? It turns out that the disorder is Marxism itself: Monogamy feels antithetical to the type of feminism and anticapitalism I subscribe to. I am repulsed by the idea of being a man’s property. Also, monogamy—like capitalism—requires us to believe in a false scarcity: that we have to struggle for every little bit and that everything we gain comes at someone else’s expense. The kind of liberatory future I’d like to see is one of abundance and generosity and sharing. One of the few places we can experiment with that now is in our love lives. No wonder so many young men are into Marxism. But sadly, MFS is having trouble finding a serious relationship with her, erm, open perspectives on love and sex. She continues — and here we require the world’s smallest violin for accompaniment: But ALL the decent men I’ve dated are really opposed to open relationships, while the men I’ve slept with who say they fancy the idea don’t ever stick around long enough for the “relationship” part of an open relationship. Well fancy that: it turns out that quality men aren’t interested in their significant others sleeping with half the USC football team, and the guys that don’t mind their significant others doing so aren’t interested in a serious relationship and are mostly just interested in casual sex. Almost as though civilized men are trained to respect women enough to subsume their own sexual urges into a monogamous relationship, and piggish men are happy to consort with others of their ilk, but draw the line at relationships altogether. How weird. This all leaves MFS in an unalterably awful position: This leaves me feeling like once I find a partner, the options are: 1) cheating (crummy and unethical, also a big anxiety-inducing headache); 2) waiting for the mythical “one” who will magically make me never attracted to anyone else (I’m fairly certain this is a hoax); or 3) retire from my glorious days as a loud, proud slut and gradually wither away inside as I suffocate one of the parts of my life, personality, and politics I cherish most. Please tell me there is another option out there. Yes, she might have to give up her ideological desire to bestow her physical graces on members of the populace at large, a fate worse than death. And she might have to settle down with a solid fellow who wants to be with her alone so that they can raise children. The horror! The horror! So, what did The Nation’s advice columnist say? Experiment with a period of monogamy—remember, many people are most jealousy-prone early in a relationship—on the condition that he agrees to consider other arrangements in the future. Or perhaps some adventures are more acceptable to him than others. (Group sex only? Dalliances that take place out of town? No exes or class enemies?) If so, are you open to such compromises? And please attend closely to the tone of these conversations—you need to be able to discuss your desires with him without being made to feel immoral, disgusting, or greedy. If such talks give you hope, hang in there! If not, he might not be your future baby daddy. Yes, the best way to find a “baby daddy” is to find out whether he’s willing to leave the door open to you shtupping your way around Pittsburgh some time in the future. You know, so that all your options are open. The best line of advice is this one, though: Given your political thinking, I’d love to suggest that starting an Engels reading group will bring the right boys to the yard, but alas, we know better: Radicals can be conservative in their personal lives. That is indeed sad: it turns out that even Marxists have a penchant for solid living when they decide to stop acting like benighted horny teenagers. There is some good news for society: so long as MFS can’t find a guy, the chances of her bringing a child into her selfish personal relationships remain low. Thank our capitalism-loving God for that one. H/T Commentary`s John Podhoretz, who alerted me to this. Although I`m not sure how he found it, and I am suspicious. |
