scrap

"about myself beloved:) again a bit.

it is thinking in a loud from myself. you asked why i hold to make my videos.... im not sure if i want make videos about gaming or entertainment. this is not what represents me. on the other hand, i do not feel ready for deeper ones, what will reveal what i have to say. i write almost every day to people about many things in three languages, but to make verbal videos... i speak with you, but my purpose is to shape my own mind around what i feel i need to do. i have so much to tell about history, about theology. how they connect, how many ideas come to light and were shaped as we know these to this day. i think to myself, seriously i had to became 40+ years old to came to this? i do not have an answer. at least not certain. people come to me as if i would be wise men of a tribe, yet i struggle with concepts not rarely. then i think, what i can give, if it is worth? i so easily could lead someone to wrong way if one interprets my way of thinking in way it was not meant. responsibility for words what come from one mouth is big. but so many fill existance of humankind with meaningless goals. this starts to became my diary. :) children want so many explanations. but when we explain, they compare realtity to our words and so often find false either in the world or our world of adults. so adults, then come and ask and want solutions for their minds and all i can give is only more questions. but for deeper things there can not be simple answer, because how matters of things are presented to us. deeper you dig, more complicated task becomes. on the surface life seems simple. do not try dig if you want it to stay that way. suffering and happiness transforms from simple facts to burden. both are needed, but one asks "for what?" truth. "how it can be different for each of us?" it can not. we shape only our own vision. not the truth. it is false courage to think we are shape matter of things in any deeper meaning. we do not. we are something like bubbles what hangs over waters. we are important, yet how we act and re-act is what makes us bubbles often. truth is eternal. it lives by itself, it is law of existance of everthing. but we are not living by law, we are far from it in many cases. matter can not live second without obeying law. but.. we can. why? yes, why? because of nature of God we can live. also, because of nature of God we are able to disobey. these conclusions may tell much about world we live in. because it is dual in the sense of possibilities. "what do you mean?" i mean we, as humankind, we live by two laws at the same. for some time we are allowed experience lawlesness. to do wrong, to act wrong, even evil. "but why?" God wants to show that he is just. to cosmos, myriads of angels and all sapient life in universe watching us. as experiment. we are allowed to do what we want without much boundaries, like disloyal children hate their own parents and wish pusuit only own happiness and do not see whole picture they live in. "is this why suffering presented in our lives?" yes, it is separation from law of existance what makes many aspects of life miserable. not everyhing. we can experience love. even God`s love. our fellow humans love. it is one of reason why we can exist at all, even in lawless state of our existance. laters. "